If I Can't Have You
by LibraryMage
Summary: He never should have trusted Maul. He knows that now. Written for the Bad Things Happen Bingo prompt "If I Can't Have You."


"Get away from me," Ezra spat, taking a step back, his heart sinking as he realized he'd just backed himself into a corner. He silently cursed himself as he realized he was shaking.

"You have lost, Ezra," Maul said as he stalked closer to the corner Ezra was now cowering in. "You cannot escape, and your friends will never find you here. I have all the time I need to convince you to embrace your destiny."

"No," Ezra said, pressing himself back against the wall. "Please, just let me go."

"That isn't going to happen, _apprentice_," Maul said. He reached out, gripping Ezra's chin and tilting his face up until Ezra was forced to look him in the eye. "You are mine now."

"No!" Ezra shouted. He wrenched himself out of Maul's grip, shoving him away. He lurched forward out of the corner, running toward the door on the other side of the room. He nearly made it there when he was wrenched backward, his throat tightening as Maul used to Force to pull him back.

Ezra instinctively clawed at his throat, fighting to draw in even the smallest breath of air, until Maul grabbed hold of him, pinning Ezra against his chest, his arm snaking around Ezra's throat, pressing down over it until Ezra could barely breathe.

"Let go!" Ezra gasped, scratching at Maul's arm.

"Enough, Ezra," Maul snapped. "You _will_ stop this _now!_"

"No!" Ezra growled. "I won't. I'll never stop fighting. I'll _never_ be your apprentice."

His words broke off with a strangled cry as Maul's arm pressed down harder over his throat.

"Very well, _boy_," Maul said, his voice a low growl in Ezra's ear. Ezra went still as he felt something press against his back. "If I can't have you, then neither can your Jedi."

What Ezra now knew to be the emitter of a lightsaber pressed harder into his back, a brief warning as Maul gave him once final chance to submit. He let out a quiet, frightened whimper, digging his nails into Maul's arm.

"Please –"

Pain unlike anything Ezra had ever felt in his life burst through his body as the glowing red blade pierced his chest. He was vaguely aware of Maul's arm around his neck loosening, but it didn't matter. He couldn't breathe, anyway.

The blade vanished with a quiet _hiss_ and Ezra began to fall. Maul caught him, moving with him as he collapsed to the floor. It was so cold. Maul's hand on his shoulder was the only point of warmth Ezra could find.

"No," he muttered, barely able to force the word out as he began trembling. _No, no, please, no, I don't want to die._

"You should have chosen the dark side, Ezra," Maul said, his voice almost gentle. "It was always your true path."

"No," Ezra said again, his voice a hoarse, shaking whisper.

"I am truly sorry it had to come to his," Maul said, his hand resting on Ezra's forehead. Ezra tried to pull away, but he couldn't move. "But it will be over soon."

* * *

Ezra gasped as his eyes snapped open, tears stinging at them as he was greeted by the sight of the dull gray ceiling above his bunk on the _Ghost_. He quickly wiped the tears away as he sat up, pushing himself back into the corner and pulling his knees up to his chest.

Even now that he was awake, it all still felt so real. He could still feel the pressure of Maul's arm on his throat, the lightsaber pressing into his back, that deep, dull cold spreading throughout his body as he collapsed.

It wasn't the first dream he'd had about Maul since they'd returned from Malachor, and he knew it wouldn't be the last. They'd only gotten worse since Kanan had told him what Maul really wanted from him.

Slowly, Ezra inched to the edge of his bunk, dropping to the floor, landing gently so he wouldn't wake Zeb. He slipped out of the room and turned toward the refresher. He just needed to splash some water on his face, he told himself as if he really thought that would make him feel any better. Really, what he needed was to shut himself away in a room with no one else in it.

As he trudged down the corridor, he heard the quiet _hiss_ of a door opening and stopped in his tracks when he saw Kanan emerging from the refresher.

"Ezra?" Kanan asked.

"Yeah," Ezra said, his voice weak, not understanding why seeing Kanan right now made him feel like his legs were about to collapse beneath him.

Kanan took a few hesitant steps forward, his hand on the wall beside him. He was already so much better at making his way around the _Ghost _without help, but his movements were slower and less steady, like he was afraid it was all going to fall away around him.

"Are you alright?" Kanan asked as he drew closer to Ezra. "You seem…"

He trailed off, not finishing his sentence, but Ezra didn't need him to say it. Kanan had once described to him how he felt in the Force after his nightmares. Frantic and terrified and twisted up, like something tangled up in a net it was trying desperately to escape. He knew Kanan could sense it now, just like he always had before.

"Bad dream," Ezra said quietly. He considered leaving it at that, not bothering Kanan with the details. Would Kanan even want to hear it? It was Ezra's own fault that everything involving Maul had happened in the first place, after all. But he could still feel the burning pain in his chest as the red blade shot through it, before he started going cold and numb. He couldn't push it out of his mind and he couldn't stop himself from saying it.

"It was about Maul," he said, his voice hollow.

"Oh," Kanan said. Silence fell for a moment before he spoke again. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Ezra said, his voice still quiet as he looked away and stared down at the floor.

"Good," Kanan said. "That's…"

His voice trailed off again and Ezra bit down on his lower lip as a sharp pang of guilt shot through his chest, burning just like Maul's lightsaber had in his nightmare. It had already been hard for Kanan to talk to anyone since Malachor, but ever since he'd told Ezra that Maul wanted him as an apprentice, it seemed to be even harder for Kanan to talk to him. It was bad enough that Maul had taken Kanan's sight, had used Ezra for his own ends, had left them both broken and defeated and traumatized. But now he'd driven them away from each other without even needing to try.

"Sometimes I wish you hadn't told me," Ezra said, the words springing from his mouth before he could fully think them through.

Kanan was silent for a moment, long enough for Ezra to wonder if what he'd said had angered Kanan, or worse, hurt him. But when Kanan finally spoke, he didn't sound angry. He sounded…tired.

"So do I," he said. "But you had a right to know."

Slowly, still unsure of his movements, he rested his hand on Ezra's shoulder, squeezing it lightly before he made his way down the corridor, back to his cabin.

Ezra hung his head, hugging his arms around himself as he trudged the rest of the way to the refresher. Once he was inside, he locked the door behind him. As the tears he'd just barely been able to hold back began to trail down his cheeks, he leaned his hands on the sink and turned on the water so no one would hear him if they got out of bed.

He stared down at the running water for a moment before squeezing his eyes shut and whispering the words he wished Kanan had been able to say to him.

"It was just a dream," he said. "He can't hurt you here."


End file.
